Torture in the Form of Literature
by Eden's Breath
Summary: To achieve 'harmony' and 'balance' Professor Dumbledore is forcing the Marauders, Lily and Severus to read a mysterious book that they soon discover to be full of terrifying girls, unrealistic versions of themselves and a demon by the name of Very. Will they survive this torture? Will James kiss Lily? Will Remus stop blushing around Severus? And most of all, will Peter be included?
1. Chapter 1

**hello, all! I'm Eden, this is my first fanfic and my first attempt at writing humor. I'm planning on making this around 30ish chapters long, and the more reviews I get the more chapters you get quicker! Sound good? Enjoy and please review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Harry Potter. Nada, zilch, donuts. **

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Sticky. Cold. Bright, radioactive green. Everywhere. Lily shrieked, standing up and trying to wipe the freezing dessert from her body. She heard the cries of her classmates as they too were hit by the sticky food. Jelly, of all things! Bright green, icy jelly. At the back of the classroom, James Potter and Sirius Black laughed almost manically. They, and the other members of their group Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin were the only ones clean, save for the taint of childish immaturity. Potter caught Lily's eye, and told her that the color matched her eyes.

"I can't believe you Potter!" Lily hissed, her eyes narrowed. "Green jelly, of all things! And I don't care if it matches my eyes!" She shook her hair, attempting to dislodge the bright green gelatine that covered her and the rest of the Gryffindor-Slytherin Potions class.

"Calm down, Love. I'm sure it'll wash right out," James grinned, completely unfazed by Lily's glare.

"Yeah, Evans. And if not, I reckon Prongs would love to lick it right off," Sirius joined in with a wink. Lily blushed a bright, angry crimson. As she opened her mouth to reply, Professor Slughorn entered the room, holding several jars from his trip to the storeroom. Sirius heard Remus groan beside him, realising that he would be pulled down with his two best friends.

"Mr Potter, Mr Black, what have you done?" Slughorn asked, slightly shocked. You would expect that after six years of Marauder-inflicted mayhem that the staff would be used to chaos by now, but food? Slughorn couldn't understand how they had managed to violate Gamps Law.

"Us, Professor? What happened to innocent until proven guilty?" Sirius asked, widening his eyes in mock innocence.

"Professor, Black and Potter somehow made this stuff fall from the ceiling. I personally believe that-"

"Oh, shut up Snivellus," Black said airily, waving his hand dismissively towards the Slytherin. Severus turned a dull purple, his fists clenching around the potions spoon in his hand.

"You two idiots do realise that you single handedly ruined twenty four batches of shrinking solution, right?" He said, waving the stirring implement around like a sword, splattering the blueish concoction on a nearby Gryffindor girl.

"Mr Snape! Do not get involved! But yes, you did destroy these potions, not to mention disrupting my entire class! Twenty five points from Gryffindor. Each" James groaned, and Lily's glare intensified.

Without warning, the door to the dreary room flew open, showing the slight form of a fourth year Ravenclaw. He took in the discourse of the room, eyes wide, before turning to the annoyed Potions Master. After a long moment of silence, Slughorn gestured for the boy to speak, a tad impatient.

"Oh sorry sir! I have a note from Professor Dumbledore, sir. He wishes for Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans and James Potter to come to his office straight after class, sir. Thank you, sir," He rushed.

"Bit heavy on the sirs, kid," Black smirked. The Fourth year blushed and looked at the ground, before rushing from the room. Slughorn turned back to James and Sirius, who had been hoping to be forgotten, and began delivering the rest of their punishment.

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"I wonder what Dumbles wants us for?" James thought aloud.

Remus answered, "I'd usually think that he wanted to talk to us about your behaviour, but why would he want Lily and Snape here too?"

"Maybe he wants us to, I dunno, work together more." Peter answered with a slight shrug. The four marauders were heading to the headmasters office. Lily and Snape had disappeared somewhere, though they were sure that they weren't together. After the OWL Incident, the two were barely civil, much to James' happiness.

"Hey, does anyone actually know how to get in here?" Remus asked, starting dubiously at the stone gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office.

"Well, last time we were here, after the McGonagall Incident, the password was Chocolate Frogs. So, Chocolate frogs? Sirius said, half to his friends and half to the immobile gargoyle.

"What about Ice Mice?"

"Bertie Botts?

"Liquorice Wands?"

"Pepper Imps?"

"Honeydukes Best?"

"Cauldron cake?"

"Droobles?"

"Cockroach Clusters?"

"Heh, cock,"

"Not funny, Padfoot,"

"Sorry, Moony,"

"Hey, it opened!" Peter exclaimed, waving his hand to the now open entrance.

"At what, cock?"

"No, you git, Cockroach Clusters." James said.

"I was gonna say…. Imagine if Dumbledore actually-"

"Shut up, Padfoot!" All three shrieked.

"Fine, let's just go up. Whatever it is, I want to find out."

With that, all four marauders began their ascent to the Headmaster's office, not realising that their lives would be changed forever, in the form of a book, a small, white room and a demon by the name of Verry.

When the four boy's entered Lily and Snape where already there, seated on the armchairs that the Marauders had often occupied themselves. Snape glared daggers at them, face curled into an unattractive sneer. Remus dropped his gaze and flushed, pink staining his cheeks while his fellow marauders glared right back.

"Boys, sit down, sit down," The Headmaster said jovially, smiling kindly and a tad obliviously at the teenagers. "We have much to discuss!"

"Lily love, do you want to come sit on my lap?" James asked an annoyed Lily as he and his friends sat.

"No thanks Potter, I wouldn't want to catch your immaturity," Lily said coolly, crossing her arms.

"Excellent, excellent. I have called you all here today to discuss a... curious package recently delivered to Hogwarts." Dumbledore exclaimed, ignoring the exchange between Lily and Prongs.

"This package came into my possession two days ago. I and the rest of the Hogwarts staff have cast all manner of spells upon it, to determine its sender and the contents. The package seems harmless, and containers a book, by the name of The Romance of 1976."

"That's this year!" Peter exclaimed loudly.

"Yes, Mr Pettigrew, it is." Dumbledore nodded.

"Excuse me sir, but how does this affect us? I haven't ever heard of this book before, and I doubt the boys have either." Lily politely said.

"Miss Evans, in package in which the boom was contained also held a letter. A letter addressed to Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, James Potter and Sirius Black." With that, Dumbledore slid a closed envelope towards them, smiling benignly.

Lily reached forward to open the letter, the group leaning forward to read the contents. Neither knew the horrors this letter held, and later, all would wish they had never touched the accursed paper.

As Lily's fingertip brushed against the envelope, the room was filled with a bright, golden light, blinding the group of teens. When the light faded, all that was left was six empty chairs and a still smiling, devious old man.

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**review and give me some feedback baby!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Review, babe!**

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Lily groaned, opening her eyes and shaking her head to dispel the sudden headache that plagued her. She used her arm to prop herself up, before glancing around at her surroundings, using the other hand to grasp at her wand. She was in a small, white room, filled with six chairs, a small, red table and a door to the left that she hoped was a way out.

She saw her companions lying in various states of disarray on the floor. Sev-Snape was lying peacefully, looking as though he was asleep on top of Remus, who was cuddling unconsciously to his side. Black was stretched over one of the chairs, legs thrown over the back and his head hanging off the seat. Potter was lying on his stomach on top of the red table, his shirt pulled up over his head exposing his toned stomach and chest. Lily blushed, but left marginally better when she heard his loud snoring.

Lily struggled to her feet, realising it was up to her to explore the new surroundings. She opened the door on the left, finding that it was a small, comfortable bathroom. There were no windows in this place, and as far as Lily could see, no way to escape. She could only think of a single solution.

She breathed in deeply, and faced the wall of the bathroom. Readying her stance, she raised her wand.

"Reducto!" She screamed, and jumped backwards, away from the explosion. Except, there was no explosion.

After a minute, Lily glanced into the bathroom, and gasped when she realised her spell had done no damage to the wall. Frustrated, she cast again, and was greeted with the same result. She prepared to try again, but jumped when she heard a loud moan behind her. She whirled around and saw all five boys waking. When Severus saw what his pillow really was, he jumped a mile and threw the werewolf away from him, before whipping out his wand and pointing at the Gryffindor, screaming random hexes that harmlessly bounced off the prone werewolf. James struggled crazily, shrieking as he tried to pull off his shirt. When he finally emerged, his face was red from lack of oxygen and his eyes watery. Sirius fell back off the chair, rolling backwards and tipping the chair on top of him. The only remotely calm one was Peter.

"Lily! Are you okay? What's going on?" James asked frantically, before turning to help Sirius up.

"What happened?"

"Is everyone okay?"

"What did Dumbledore do?"

"Oh Merlin, we are trapped!"

"I think Remus is hyperventilating!"

"CALM DOWN EVERYONE!" Lily screamed, arms akimbo. Everyone fell silent, over than the heavy breathing from a crouching Remus.

"I've looked, there is no way out of here. I tried a reductor in the bathroom, but nothing happened. I think the room might be magic resistant." Lily said, slightly calmer.

"So, what are we going to do?" Peter asked.

"Hey, there's the letter from Dumbledore!" Sirius pointed out. He dived towards the envelope dramatically. Ripping open the envelope, he caught the two letters that fell out. Opening the first one, he began to read aloud.

_"Dear Students,_

_I apologise for deceiving you, but this was the only way to achieve harmony and balance between the six of you, and by extension Gryffindor and Slytherin. The package I received was addressed to you, and it spoke of a great future need that would require peace and cooperation from the six prophesied. _

_The room you are in will produce food, water and bedding and is completely resistant to harmful spells. You will be here until you finish your goal, a goal I confess to have very little knowledge of, other than that it will achieve harmony. _

_Good luck, children, and take great caution. _

_Professor Dumbledore"_

"…." Lily said.

"…." Severus said.

"…." The Marauders said, before all hell broke loose. Spells flew, insults were thrown and chairs hurled.

"LET US OUT!" Peter yelled at the wall.

"We are going to die here!" Severus shrieked.

"Evans, one last kiss before we all perish!" James begged.

"SHUT UP!" Sirius screamed. He opened the second letter without waiting for the others to quiet and began reading.

_"OMG OMG HIIIIIIII_

_I'm VERRRRRRRRRRRRY and I'm sooooo happy that you are reading more story! I love you guys (except Peter you dirty scum!)"_

"Hey!" Peter exclaimed, before being shushed by the now attentive group.

_"So, yeah, enjoy my story! Sirius, Remus and Severus, I love you sooo much!"_

"Hey! Someone does love you Snivellus!"

"Shut up Potter!" Lily shrieked.

_"Love from VERRRRRRRRRRRRY"_

"Who's this Verry bird? Anyone heard of her?" Sirius asked, getting nothing but shaking heads as a response.

All were startled when they heard a loud thunk, coming from the direction of the table. Turning around, they saw a large, green book upon the table. Gold lettering stated 'The Romance of 1976' and the front cover featured a picture of three beautiful girls, around the same as the six.

They teenagers cautiously walked towards they book. Reaching out a cautious hand, Remus grasped the book and turned it over.

"Does it have a blurb?" Severus asked.

"Um, yeah," Remus blushed. "Do you want to read it, Severus?"

Severus looked slightly baffled and a tad impatient. "Lupin, just get on with it."

"Oh, um, it's says, 'the year is 1976, and Vera, Amanda and Athena, three exchange students from America have just started Hogwarts. Love is in the air between these three powerful beautiful witches, who have to battle not only the Dark, but realise what true love really means.' And then it has letters and little dashes, 'SS/OC, RL/OC, SB/OC'."

"What could that mean?"

"I think it's a secret spy code!"

'Or maybe it's a muggle thing!"

"Maybe it's the name of something dirty." Lily guessed enthusiastically, gaining the questioning look of her peers.

"What? Dirty things usually have weird names!"

James opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by an impatient Peter. "I think we should read it. Why else would it be here, and that letter mentioned a story. I reckon it's our best bet to get us of this place."

Severus blinked. "Geese, Pettigrew, I didn't think you were capable of saying anything intelligent, but you just proved me wrong."

"Hey! I'll have you know that I got an O in my herbology OWL!"

"Wow, Pettigrew, _Herbology_. That's _sure_ to get you far in life."

As the yelling and fighting started again, Lily closed her eyes. Harmony? Peace? The Headmaster had to be joking.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, all! I'm back with another chapter of Torture In the form of Literature. For my reviewer, yes, I adore Severus/Remus too and I'll probably develop their relationship as we go along. So stay tuned! I'll update at least once a week. On a side note, I have to say I loved writing the Sue parts (which are the Italic parts) and I really hope you all enjoy reading them. Oh, also, warning for slash undertones, if you're bothered with it. **

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After a while, the shouting and fighting ceased and soon all six where seated around the small red table, staring at the book.

"These chairs are so uncomfortable," Sirius muttered, gaining the glare of both Remus and Severus.

"So, who wants to start reading first?" Peter asked. All eyes turned to him, and Severus even moved his chair back slightly.

"Hey, why me?" He asked with indignation.

"You did suggest it mate," James said sympathetically.

Peter sighed dramatically and picked up the book. 'Fine. Well, how bad could it be, right?" He sighed again and began to read.

_Vera gasped as she felt Amanda grab her arm, not expecting the sudden touch. Athena was nearby, and gave them a look that clearly said shut up. Athena whipped her golden hair from her dazzling green eyes and put in her ear plugs, listening to the newest P!nk single._

"What's an ear plug?" Lily asked. "And why would anyone want to plug their ears?"

"And what is a pee-exclamation point-ink? And how do you listen to it?" James wondered.

"Hush, and we might find out," Peter said, sounding disturbingly motherly.

_"__Amanda, don't scare me like that" Vera hissed. Standing at 6 feet, she had a slim willowy body with black hair that went down to her shapely butt. She had purple eyes that changed colour with her mood._

"Heh. Butt." Sirius giggled. "Hey Snape, Moony thinks you have a shapely butt."

Remus blushed and glared at Sirius. If looks could kill, Sirius could have been drowned, beaten, burnt then eaten by a rouge werewolf. Severus looked at Remus strangely, his head titled to the side.

"My question is, how can eyes change colour? And how can you have purple ones? I want colour changing eyes! Do you think this book is a true story?" James asked wide eyed, already plotting his amethyst-eyed adventures.

Peter sighed and kept reading.

_Vera, Athena and Amanda Nightingale were sisters, though all they shared was their great beauty and intelligence. Their mother had been a Veela, and their father a descendant of Merlin. All three girls had mood-changing purple eyes, but Amanda and Athena were blonde while Vera's hair was as black as pitch. They all had massive breasts_-here, Sirius burst into laughter and mimed goosing someone- _and perfect hourglass figures. _

_Amanda felt her eyes tear up. Their mother and Father had been killed by a dark wizard, who called himself Voldemort. He had travelled to America to kill them. Fortunately, Athena, Vera and Amanda had been able to fight him off, but not before he killed their parents._

"WHAT? Three teenagers defeating the Dark Lord? That would never happen! Merlin, one of them could be the Master of Death and it still wouldn't work!" Severus shrieked. "That's it, there is no way in the seven hells that this book is true."

"Why would Voldemort go to America to kill someone? I mean, its America. You know what their Ministry is like. I doubt they would pose a threat to Voldemort," Lily said, frowning. All nodded, thinking of the stupidity of the American Ministry.

"Also, why would Merlin's descendant be in America?

"Look, can we just continue?" Remus asked wearily. He gestured to Peter, who started again for the third time in a slightly louder voice.

_They were being sent to live with their great-grandfather Albus Dumbledore_- Lily erupted in a giant coughing fit, choking on her own spit as she desperately tried to stop images of Albus Dumbledore procreating from flooding her mind-_and go to this school called Hogwarts. Amanda though it sounded gross._

_At the moment, all three girls were standing at a train station, waiting for the Hogwarts express that would take them to school. As it pulled up, the girls hopped on, skirts flowing beautifully in the slight breeze. _

_"__So, what do you think this will be like?" Athena asked her sisters._

_"__I dunno, hopefully better than Salem. I hope the teachers actually have something to teach us" Amanda answered_

Severus snorted. "Bullshit." Remus looked at him.

"What, Wolfy?"

"Oh! Sorry, I just haven't heard you swear before." Remus bowed his head and Severus thought he heard him muttering 'stupid, stupid!' quietly.

"Ohhhhh, Moony! Moony wants Snape to talk dirty to him!" Sirius giggled. Remus slapped Sirius, who then made a comment about 'Moony wanting to spank someone!'. A brief interval was taken, involving sexual innuendo, more slapping and hair being pulled.

"SHUT YO MOUTHS, MUDDAFUGGAS!" Peter yelled at the canine pair. Remus extracted his hand from Sirius' hair and Sirius shut up. James moved his chair back, staring warily at Peter, who continued.

_"__I know, right?" Vera said. They entered a compartment and sat down, putting their mysterious luggage up on the rack._

_"__And remember guys, that we have a mission," Athena said. "So don't get distracted by any guys or whatever." Amanda giggled._

_"__Speaking of guys, look over there!" Amanda whispered excitedly._

_All three girls looked, and saw a group of three handsome boys standing together. One had long, flowing dark hair and a toned body, one had short black and glasses and the other had brown hair and catching amber eyes. Using their superior Veela hearing and heard that their names were Remus, Sirius and James. They also saw a pale, tall boy standing alone in the corner, and they gathered his name was Severus Snape. The girls had no idea that that their lives had just changed forever. _

"….."

"What? Pettigrew, give me the book." Severus demanded. Peter handed over the heavy book and Severus pulled out his wand and began muttering spells. The others sat in shocked silence, trying to process how this book knew their names.

"Now now, Snivelly, no dark magic." Sirius said mockingly, bravado in full force, before withering at the death glare Remus sent him. After several minutes of spells, Severus handed the book back, a baffled expression plastered across his face.

"I used every type of spell I know to find out how this book knows these things, but all I found was a compulsion spell to keep us wanting to read more and a charm to stop us reading ahead." Severus flipped to the page they had been on. "The chapter is almost finished, I'll read it and we can gather conclusions from there."

**_'_****_Thanks for reading! This is my first fanfiction, and I hoped you enjoyed and you liked Vera, Amanda and Athena! PLSSSSSSS review! Love Verry'_**

After a few minutes of silence as the six mulled over what they had learnt, Severus spoke.

"Based on what we have read as well as the letter, what I've gathered is that what we are reading is called a 'Fan Fiction' and the author has the misfortune of being called Verry. Anyone have any other contributions?"

"So this 'fan fiction', is a story written by a fan of something? So this is written by a fan of ours? Who would be crazy enough to write about six teenagers that they have never met? How much time must they have?" James wondered.

"A real creep with no social life, Prongs, a real creep." Sirius nodded.

"Wait… so if this is a 'fan fiction', how do we know that WE aren't a fan fiction?" Peter asked, eyes wide.

"Don't be silly, Peter." Remus said dismissively. "You are as real as I am."

"No, think about it. What if we are really just the ideas of some girl with a quill and parchment? Never able to make our own decisions, merely the puppets of her hand…" Peter questioned, staring into space as though trying to see this mysterious author. Before Peter could start questioning his existence, Remus interrupted.

"Peter, you are being ridiculous and you are off topic. What I want to know, is how this book is going to achieve harmony and balance. All I've seen so far is a bunch of shallow girls."

"And we all know that Remus doesn't care about girls." James said knowingly.

Remus remembered being told as a child that if you ignored someone teasing you, they would get bored and go away. He decided to adopt this mindset when dealing with his idiotic, over-sexed friends.

"I don't know, Lupin. But as Pettigrew said, our best bet is getting through this book. Maybe at the end there is some way to get out of here. But until then, we will have endure these 'shallow girls' and your intellectually challenged friends." Severus sighed, obviously despairing at the thought of being stuck in a small room with the Marauders.

Out of the blue, the chairs they were all sitting on literally disappeared. Severus yelped as he fell on his arse, and Remus blushed as was the first to stand. Where the chairs and table had previously been now where six small beds, each with its own pair of brightly coloured pyjamas. The boys shared a glance, and quick as a flash, ran to their respective beds, pushing and shoving to get the one they wanted, leaving behind a befuddled Lily.

"Whoever picked these pyjamas are colour blind." Severus said distastefully, staring at his own purple pair. "Not to mention the colour of the duvets."

Remus entertained a brief fantasy of himself (expect better looking and with a deeper voice) asking Severus if he would like to join him in his bed. Severus would then smile at Remus, and they could spend the night cuddled together-

"Moony, wake up. It's your turn to go to the loo." Peter said, jolting Remus from his daydream.

"Oh! Okay then, sorry Wormtail. I'll just be a minute." He left the room quickly, shutting the bathroom door and sliding to the tiled floor. Oh Merlin.

When Remus returned all six settled down for the night, one by one falling asleep.

"Oi, Evans," James said sleepily, Lily grunting in reply.

"You wanna come snuggle?"

Remus fell asleep to the sound of a pillow hitting James in face.

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**I'm begging you to review!**


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